I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
