Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Being responsible doesn't make memories.