I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
