it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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