Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
