I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
