You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
