After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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