Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
