I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
