I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
