Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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