I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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