I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
