i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
