Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
