I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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