Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
