booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
