If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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