I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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