then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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