You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
