hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
