I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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