Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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