I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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