we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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