How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
