my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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