Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
