Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
