Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize
