I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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