my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
