Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize