woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
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