apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
