Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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