This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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