im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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