Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
