Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
