On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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