It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
