Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
