the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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