Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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