the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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