20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
We smell like vodka and hangover
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
