Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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