You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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