Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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