So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
