Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Please don't give away my fajitas
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