My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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