i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
