ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Can I color on your dick again?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
