I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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