Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
