My cat gives me a boner
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
