after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
