you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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