I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
